i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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