tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
