Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
