My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
