are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
