i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
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