this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
you traded sex for a burrito?
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize