the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
then he tried to convert me to islam
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
