I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
