Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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