I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
you never un-have a 4some
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
