Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
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