Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
