i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
