dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
