I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Randomize