You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Your cock deserves a montage
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Randomize
