My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
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