I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I think I have vodka in my lungs
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
