i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
