Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Randomize
