Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
