i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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