quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Randomize