I want to have your abortion
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
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