Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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