I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
