New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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