i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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