My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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