The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
