I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize