mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
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