this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
My life is pants optional.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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