Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I think i got beer on your cat.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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