I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
