She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? 😭😭
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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