So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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