***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I pour the whiskey from now on
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
