I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
We were destined to go to rehab together
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
