i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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