Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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