so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Come share oat with me in your robe
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
