She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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