What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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