He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Randomize
