Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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