Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Randomize
