Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
