Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
