So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
