Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Randomize
