Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize