So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
We had to coat check the pizza.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize
