I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Randomize
