Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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