If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
