Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
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