soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
I just gift wrapped bread.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
