i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Randomize
