Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
